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Monday, December 19, 2011

The Invasion of Evans Head






(Yes, these are all actual people that live in my town, and I'm using their real names. And yes, there is actually a guy named Pencil. He owns the pub.)  The play starts after the jump!

An alien spacecraft lands in the beer garden of the Illawong, the pub in my town.

ALIEN: We have studied your planet and its myriad species. We have studied your culture. And most importantly of all, we have studied your town, which we believe is the crux of your civilization, for some reason. In order to harvest your animals and take them from this polluted biosphere to a place they can thrive, we must first exterminate humanity so that you cannot hinder our progress.

JOHN: Oi, what're you cunts doin'? Hey Pencil, check out this shit!

PENCIL: Who's this pack a cunts?

ALIEN: As I just stated, we are trying to preserve both the planet and its inhabitants. The only way this is feasible is if we destroy humankind. It is unfortunate, but you leave us no choice.

JOHN: Fuck me dead! Christ, you must be the gayest fuckin' faggot there is! 'Oi you cunts, check me out, I'm a fuckin' alien that's full of shit and talks like I'm some middle class cunt. I use big fuckin' words and I'm better than any of youse cunts, so we're gonna play silly-buggers gettin' animals and killin' cunts left right and centre!' Well guess. Fucking. What?

ALIEN: ...what?

JOHN: How the fuck should I know? Christ, you've been here five minutes and you're already giving me the shits!

MARION: What's doing you blokes? Hang on, who's this cunt with the spaceship?

ALIEN: Again, we're here...

MARION: Was I fuckin' talkin' to you? Piss off for five minutes wouldja, ya rude piece a shit. Hey John, you got any weed? I'm fangin' for a fuckin' cone!

JOHN: Depends. You still suck dick for it?

MARION: Depends on how much you've got.

JOHN: I've got about a quarter-ounce, but you're not gettin' all of it. Suck me dick and I'll give ya half.

MARION: Well.... fair enough. I'm not lettin' ya cum in me mouth, but.

ALIEN: I came here to destroy humanity... but all I can think about now is killing myself.

JOHN: Oi Pencil, Marion's gonna suck me off so I gotta go for a bit, but I'll be back, so if any cunt touches me beer tell 'em they're fucked.

PENCIL: Like I give a fuck about your beer! If some cunt steals it, that's your problem.

JOHN: Jesus Christ you're a cunt Pencil.

PENCIL: Listen here, cunt. For starters, I own this pub, and all the fucking beer in the cunt. And because you're carrying on like a fucking arsehole even though you're about to cop a blowie, I'm giving your beer to the first cunt that walks in the door after you leave.



PENCIL: Fuck 'im, he's done nothin' but run his mouth since he got here. Want a free beer?

AARON: But someone's already drank half of it.

PENCIL: Fuck you're useless. It's free fuckin' beer. *to alien* Look at that arsehole, he thinks he's Christmas. Offer the cunt free grog and he carries on like I just raped his Mum right in front of him. What a fuckin' waste of space.

  AARON: *To Alien* Please, for the love of God, take me with you!

ALIEN: I can't.

AARON: Why not?

ALIEN: I've lost the will to even exist, let alone live.

AARON: That makes two of us. Please tell me you bought some kind of lethal laser-thingy, so you can do us both.

ALIEN: My people have lifespans that measure in the hundreds of thousands of years. I've saved planets, brought peace to entire warring galaxies, saved trillions of lives, and accomplished things so amazing that they would be far beyond human comprehension. And yet... killing myself, after seeing the people of this township, will bring me more joy than all my other accomplishments combined. *Shoots Aaron, then self*


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