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Tuesday, June 15, 2010

10 Things I've Done That Are Awesome

  1. One time I was taking a walk, and a bird attacked me. I grabbed that bird, and made it adopt a homeless kitten. Awesome.
  2. In one night I not only slept with six women at one time, but I also convinced them they were in Columbia. Awesome.
  3. A man was walking down my street smoking a cigarette, and I looked at that man. Awesome.
  4. When I was six I was brushing my teeth and one fell out. I picked up that tooth and punched it back into my face. Awesome.
  5. One time I was doing some shopping and I found five bucks. I gave it to a homeless man, but it wasn't really a homeless man, it was Cyndi Lauper, and she gave me a blowjob. Awesome.
  6. I picked up my phone a sent a text message. To myself. Awesome.
  7. I own a dog so old that it used to fuck dinosaurs, and I can pick up that dog with one hand. Awesome.
  8. I was at the hospital visiting a friend. I sneezed, and a dialysis machine grew a pair of kidneys. Awesome.
  9. This one time I was sick, and I said 'Man, feeling better would be awesome.' Jesus came down from the Heavens, played 'Master of Puppets' on a guitar that was also the hoverboard from 'Back to the Future II', and we high-fived. Awesome.
  10. A version of myself from a parallel dimension came and challenged me to fight. It went for seven years, and in the end we both won. Awesome.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Sometimes you find the fun...

...and sometimes the fun finds you. You know how some nights you're all hepped up on goofballs and ready to party, and all you find a people in various locales staring morosely into their drinks? Yeah, those nights suck balls. But other nights, the party finds you. Here's a few tips for when you're riding the crest of the party-wave: