10 Things I've Done That Are Awesome

1. One time I was taking a walk, and a bird attacked me. I grabbed that bird, and made it adopt a homeless kitten. Awesome.
2. In one night I not only slept with six women at one time, but I also convinced them they were in Columbia. Awesome.
3. A man was walking down my street smoking a cigarette, and I looked at that man. Awesome.
4. When I was six I was brushing my teeth and one fell out. I picked up that tooth and punched it back into my face. Awesome.
5. One time I was doing some shopping and I found five bucks. I gave it to a homeless man, but it wasn't really a homeless man, it was Cyndi Lauper, and she gave me a blowjob. Awesome.
6. I picked up my phone a sent a text message. To myself. Awesome.
7. I own a dog so old that it used to fuck dinosaurs, and I can pick up that dog with one hand. Awesome.
8. I was at the hospital visiting a friend. I sneezed, and a dialysis machine grew a pair of kidneys. Awesome.
9. This one time I was sick, and I said 'Man, feeling better would be awesome.' Jesus came down from the Heavens, played 'Master of Puppets' on a guitar that was also the hoverboard from 'Back to the Future II', and we high-fived. Awesome.
10. A version of myself from a parallel dimension came and challenged me to fight. It went for seven years, and in the end we both won. Awesome.