A Sincere Apology to the Judge I Exposed Myself To

Your Honour,
                      This is my sincere (court-ordered by you, sexy) apology for exposing my genitals to you.

When The Past Repeats, It Increases In Ferocity

Remember your first nerdy obsession in grade school? Like how your life changed the first time you saw an episode of Transformers, because you had no idea something that awesome could ever exist? From that day on you begged your parents to get you a Transformer for every birthday and Christmas because those transforming robots were all you could think about. And do you remember that rich asshole kid in your class who had every Transformer you’d ever heard of, even though he didn't really like Transformers? He treated them like garbage, but would he ever let you play with them? No way. So you work your way through high school and college, move out of home, get a girlfriend, get a reasonably well-paying job, and painstakingly track down all those Transformers you were denied in your youth, all in mint condition. Then one day, after a particularly crappy day at work, you come home to find that asshole rich kid penetrating your girlfriend with your mint condition Starscream.

What I'm saying is, when life sucks the most, at least it does it in a way that makes you think "Well played, Life. Well played indeed." The sooner you realize that this is the only response that will stop you from putting a bullet in your brain, the better.

That is all.

Think Piece

You know what I like to do? I like to sit in a comfortable chair, stare into space, and think. Although maybe 'think' isn't the right term, because I'm not trying to solve anything, or come to a particular conclusion. I like to hold an idea in my head. I take great joy from this; it's when I feel the most calm, and content. To ruminate on an idea or concept or, like now, a theory...

What's Wrong With Your Face?

I am a man, I am 28 years old, and I cannot grow a beard. Or a moustache. Or mutton chops. Or any kind of facial hair. And this bothers me. Why? For more reasons than you'd think. Follow me after the jump and listen to me talk of a hairless hell... 

This Needs To Be Seen By More People...

Had to post a link to Avery Edison's Internet Website (http://averyedison.com/page/1), it's poignant, funny, clever, and quite frankly I'm just on fuckin' fire with jealousy. Read a few posts, shut down your computer, and pay attention to how different things seem. It's perspective-alteringly fantastic.

7 Most Disgusting Ways To Stop A Conversation

As we all know, conversations suck, which is why we have the Internet. You can't tell people in meatspace "Lol u r teh suxxor!!!!111!!!1 STFU+go die!!!!11!", because it makes you look like a douchebag. Well, you look like a douchebag when you do it on the web, but it's not like people can physically fuck you up for it. So, if some inconsiderate cock-knocker tries to talk to you for realsies, here's ten ways to just fuck 'em right off.

• "Oh my God, that totally reminds me of that dream I had where there was a baby, and some dude chopped off the baby's head, and then the headless baby started eating a raw chicken with its bloody neck-stump! How crazy is that! Let's fuck now. P.S Your Mum gave me the herp."
• "You think Tom Cruise is a tool? Your Mum said the same thing... when I was taking her roughly from behind. I was giving her anal, is what I'm trying to say. Let's fuck now."
• "Please keep talking to me, I'm waiting for an opening so I can tell you about how I dream of hearing that hot chick on FOX news say 'I have inhabited the body of Shaq, and I ordered a gummi version of me to kiss, and then I'm walking down the street and Jay Leno's driving along and he sees me and he's all like "There's that motherfucker Shaq!" and he tries to run me down but I use Shaq-Fu and cut his car right the fuck in half, and then Jay's dead and I rip off his head and chuck it to some dude and the dude tries to dunk it and I reject it and yell 'SHAQ ATTACK" and just fuckin' slam it out of the area!"
• "I just cannot get enough of the Twilight saga. I really can't. That bit where he's watching her sleep? I so relate to that! I watch you sleep. I like your sheets!"
• "They say that to kill one man makes you a murderer, to kill many men makes you a hero, and to kill all men makes you a God. By my guess, I'm up to the 'hero' part. Who wants to aid my quest for God-hood? Ha ha haaaa, that was a joke. Like I'd ask permission before I burnt every one of you to ashes. Also, let's fuck now!"
• "Just as an aside, I've touched everything in my room with my junk, including that glass you're drinking from. Taste the rainbow! Of cock."
• "Well gee wilickers, I'm in just the rapeiest of moods! It's just a rapey, rapey day! Forcing my genitals inside people really puts the sunshine in even the cloudiest of days! I'm a rapist!"

10 Things I've Done That Are Awesome

1. One time I was taking a walk, and a bird attacked me. I grabbed that bird, and made it adopt a homeless kitten. Awesome.
2. In one night I not only slept with six women at one time, but I also convinced them they were in Columbia. Awesome.
3. A man was walking down my street smoking a cigarette, and I looked at that man. Awesome.
4. When I was six I was brushing my teeth and one fell out. I picked up that tooth and punched it back into my face. Awesome.
5. One time I was doing some shopping and I found five bucks. I gave it to a homeless man, but it wasn't really a homeless man, it was Cyndi Lauper, and she gave me a blowjob. Awesome.
6. I picked up my phone a sent a text message. To myself. Awesome.
7. I own a dog so old that it used to fuck dinosaurs, and I can pick up that dog with one hand. Awesome.
8. I was at the hospital visiting a friend. I sneezed, and a dialysis machine grew a pair of kidneys. Awesome.
9. This one time I was sick, and I said 'Man, feeling better would be awesome.' Jesus came down from the Heavens, played 'Master of Puppets' on a guitar that was also the hoverboard from 'Back to the Future II', and we high-fived. Awesome.
10. A version of myself from a parallel dimension came and challenged me to fight. It went for seven years, and in the end we both won. Awesome.

Sometimes you find the fun...

...and sometimes the fun finds you. You know how some nights you're all hepped up on goofballs and ready to party, and all you find a people in various locales staring morosely into their drinks? Yeah, those nights suck balls. But other nights, the party finds you. Here's a few tips for when you're riding the crest of the party-wave: