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Monday, June 14, 2010

Sometimes you find the fun...

...and sometimes the fun finds you. You know how some nights you're all hepped up on goofballs and ready to party, and all you find a people in various locales staring morosely into their drinks? Yeah, those nights suck balls. But other nights, the party finds you. Here's a few tips for when you're riding the crest of the party-wave:

  • Drink: This may sound obvious, but I have some bad news: most of you are doing it wrong. (Also: grammar. I'm doing it wrong. Shut up.) Those of you sipping on light beer are just taking up space for the party pros to vomit on. Take yourself, and your low alcohol content, to a daycare centre or something. Wine drinkers, you also need find somewhere else to go. Your type are not welcome, unless it's a wine party, which is stupid because there's no such thing as a wine party. (Side-note: If the wine you're drinking comes out of a bag, you're cool to stay. The world needs more heroes like you; without you, stomach pumps would be woefully under-utilized, and EMT's would have nothing to do.) So keep the drinks strong, and keep 'em coming. Only vomit to make room for more. P.S. I don't do funerals, or lawsuits, so try not to die.
  • Drugs: Sure, why not? I bet whichever bikie cooked it up in his bathtub has awesome hygiene standards, and a Doctorate in chemistry, so you're good to go. If it's coke you're after, here's a little tip: Take however many miles from Columbia you are, divide it by two, and that'll tell you how many times its been cut with other crap.
  • Um, fuck... Create a portmanteau: Yeah! Chicks fucking love dudes who know what a portmanteau is. The proof of this can be found at the corner of Don't Question Me Road and You Know I'm Right Boulevard (it's in the cool part of town.) So try to be classy, and creative. For example: "Fisticles."
And there you have it! The complete, absolutely-nothing-left-out, comprehensive guide to partying like there's something worth celebrating in your pathetic, miserable existence. I'll drink to that!

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